It's crazy how we as humans train up our children to crave approval, attention, and love. We grow up making sure mommy and daddy are proud of us and that we are doing what they like. We play baseball, learn dance or music. We make sure they help us with projects and talk to them so often. Why don't we feel the same way towards God. Why is it so easy to crave the attention and approval of our earthly family over our Heavenly father?
I have read parts of a book called Made to Crave. The truth is we are all made to crave one thing and that is God. I'm learning a lot right now talking with several friends. I am so blessed to be able to be poured into by these lovely people and have them speak truth in my life. I get to spend hours in the office hearing amazing stories of how God is moving and what HE is teaching them. I get to see the hearts of our leaders. I get to hear the utmost gratefulness of a student for every volunteer that serves. The passion she has for the church and the mission of Jesus. She's on fire and so is everyone that comes in contact with her! I want that to be said about me. I want to be so on fire that anyone that meets me can tell I'm different. I want to be so in love with Jesus that everyone knows.
I crave approval from my father a lot. I love my family and I've been really close with my mother for most of my life. We love to talk and catch up and do little projects together. We look so much alike. Now my dad and I act just alike. We are both very stubborn and think that we are the only option to opinions. Those that know us would agree. So when we disagree on an issue, it's hard for us to fix it. We both want to help people and have a companion to love us and that looks a little different to both of us. I know he loves me at all times. I will never doubt how much he loves me because he always tears up when talking about me having cancer and how thankful he is for me and for the things we all learned in that time. With both of my siblings being married and reproducing I feel like I have to try to compete for approval from him. I am not giving him another son in law or grandchild so I have to do things to make up for that. I know that's not how it is but I feel that way sometimes.
I tell you all of that to say that I think of God like that a lot. Like I have to compete with my spiritual brothers and sisters. Like I have to follow the huge, awesome footprints they left in front of me. I feel like whatever I do isn't going to be enough to get His attention for any matter of time. Like everything I do is so invisible or unnoticed that I may as well not even do it. I have been thinking a lot about love lately and how much I want a relationship. I crave someone to teach me and guide me. Someone to reach the things over the fridge. Someone to just hold hands with. I miss that. But then I think back to where I was in the last two years and how many bad decisions I so easily made. I was only thinking about me and was tired of trying to be the good girl. I love that things have changed and that I am growing a lot more in my responsibilities. Sometimes it's so easy to feel like it doesn't matter. But after hearing Morgan talk today about how much FUSE has changed her life and the Gauntlet too. I was in tears hearing her passion but also just being so grateful that I get to be a part of that change for the students too. The little things in the office that no one really understands that get done lead the way for a student to hear the gospel, for a student to be freed from an addiction or just be able to be changed! Every copy, scanned document, entered data, punched hole, purchased drink/snack, report run, and sent email matters! I'm sitting here so grateful that I can do these things and though I may not be the one talking and praying with the student that accepts Jesus, I know that I've contributed. It's a team effort and when a person begins that relationship with Jesus we ALL win! God gets the GLORY, the World gets the good, and we get the JOY!
So I am writing this not only to express that Joy that I feel right now but also to be able to reflect on this when I have those days of not feeling good enough. You can't focus on your feelings you have to focus on truth. Your feelings have to submit to the Truth! I'm so thankful that Jesus loved me enough to die for me! I'm one lucky girl to be the Daughter of a KING!
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